Here’s a peek:
It was rule number one that got me, “Skip being exclusive.” Ms. Metz advises teenagers that, “No-strings-attached hookups are way more common in college than serious relationships. With tons of new people to meet, no one is rushing into a big commitment.” Really? So dating is out of fashion and therefore our daughters should just go have random sex with people? Well, not totally random because rule two is “Be selective.” If I step back I can appreciate rules three through five (“Recognize a booty call,” “Know the signs” and “Protect your heart”) because they at least could be construed as helping girls to recognize the signs of a hook-up without actually advocating them.Nowhere is the word condom mentioned.
It’s not that I’m out of touch. I’ve heard of hook-up culture. I know about friends with benefits. I’ve read the shocking statistics on sexually transmitted diseases among teenage girls. I just didn’t realize that it had become so mainstream that Seventeen was providing how-to guides. And yet, I have to admit the article had a perverse effect on me; it crystallized my role as a parent. Without thinking I turned to my husband and said, “We both have to talk to both kids about sex.”
I’d never thought about it that way before. I think I always imagined myself talking to my daughter about sex and my husband talking to my son. Now that seems quaint. If the narrative the dominant culture is providing is that sex is a transaction that requires no emotional exchange we have to provide a different narrative. Our daughter needs to hear men talk about love and relationships and our son needs to hear women talk about them too. Hook-up culture requires that we go beyond modeling a good relationship in our marriage. Our children need actual words floating in their subconscious that tell them a different story than the half-drunk text messages they can expect to receive in the middle of the night according to Seventeen’s rule # 3 (When a guy starts texting you after 1A.M. he’s interested in one thing: late-night hooking up!).
I picked up Seventeen magazine for research. I had an idea for a story aimed at teen-age girls and I thought Seventeen might be a possible outlet. My idea seemed to have no place in a world where teenagers routinely wear 3” stiletto heels, but I am grateful that I read Seventeen. It killed my sentimentality. In the face of hook-up culture my instinct is to want to protect my children but that is a true fantasy. My role is to prepare them and preparation requires enough sangfroid to see the situation clearly. Thank you Lauren Metz. I hate what you’re saying but I’m glad you said it.
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2 comments:
"Hook-up culture requires that we go beyond modeling a good relationship in our marriage. Our children need actual words floating in their subconscious that tell them a different story than the half-drunk text messages they can expect to receive in the middle of the night according to Seventeen’s rule # 3"
--Yeah, yeah, tricky, tricky . . . . I'm not sure exactly how that one works because the intention is gold but somehow tarnishes in refinement. Think about it, it's what your parents thought also in their own imperfect way, and it sounds a lot like words, and teen-aged children are not particularly receptive to words their parents speak. There's probably a pretty good reason for that. It's been happening for a long time. Nevertheless, I was struck by the candid intelligence of another blog I recently read by someone who seems to have got to the quick of the matter:
"My children have been in kindergarten for one month and they are flourishing. For three weeks I reveled in their success and in my new found freedom. Then, I began to flounder. After spending five and a half years preparing them to step successfully into the world without my guidance I find myself overwhelmed at any hint they might be struggling. They take bumps in the road in stride, but I get thrown off balance. I am cranky and upset. I overreact to small things. I am tired, my face is breaking out, and the other day, I cried on the street. This behavior goes against everything I know to be true about myself. I believe so fiercely in their independence and yet, I seem remarkably unprepared to handle it. Allowing them to try new things, to experience life without me, to succeed and fail on their own terms has turned me into an emotional wreck and this infuriates me."
--Yeah, yeah, tricky, tricky. But I always suspected you were a closet public cryer. That's good. They're good. You're all good.
The concept of insurance is born in the dark reaches of human ignorance and fed by shapeless fears. I believe the character, Satan, from a weird and funny smelling book my parents used to keep on a shelf overlooking our kitchen table, was it's first official practitioner--and that can't be good.
You know that our dog, who happens to share the same name with someone very dear to you, possess a face that is split right down the middle, dark on one side and light on the other. I like to think of him as my own personal philosopher of life. Whenever I look at him, I think, "Hey, life's not so bad . . . oh, yes it is . . . Hey, Finn, look the other way. There, that's better . . ." I don't know, it works for me.
Have you heard about this recent book: "The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It"? I just bought it for my dad and his wife b/c my half-sister is now 12...but hey, I should read it myself b/c my own daughter, though only 4, already shows some small interest in Hannah Montana (to my horror).
Love the blog, Nancy, it's like having intelligent female friends nearby!
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